Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Who let the guts out?

Oh my sodding stomach. It's out of control. It's its own universe. It lives its own life, has its own job and I think (hope) has booked its own holiday.

I wasn't exactly sylph-like before my babies, but this is NOT FUNNY. Ironically, Ihave thread-like arms, child-sized wrists and ankles of a young gazelle. And the gut of a dart-playing, beer-swilling, pie-eating fat bastard.

Sit ups you say - the muscle is buried so damn deep below this ecosystem of lard, they're not even aware if Ihang myself upside down holding a toddler by each arm.

Eat less you say. Well, that's all well and good, but I object on moral grounds the fact that whatever deliciousness you put in your mouth bears any relation whatsoever to Planet Belly.

Tummy tuck you say. In a heartbeat. Except. In the country of 'free' healthcare (otheriwse known as 'Wing it, hope you stop moaning and if we do have to refer you on, hopefully it'll be gone by the time you eventually get to see a dismissive consultant' the idea of spending any money on private medicine NOT for the purpose of keeping us all healthy is quite inconcievable. The only time I have paid for medical treatment was for children - before I had them, and expressly for the purpose of having them. Added to that, there is also the not-so-small issue of a hankering for private education for the girls. They are allegedly quite bright for their ages, but to be honest, having seen some of the results of state education during my forays into teacher training, even if the girls were as bright as my cat, I would still prefer them to be privately educated.

So, we're at an impasse. At the moment I haven't got the energy to devote to the control that a 'diet' requires, and despite my objections I know it's the only way. Sigh...

Calamity tonight. Florence is a hider. She grabs stuff and secretes it in all sorts of odd places. We're still minus the middle bit of the loo roll holder in the downstairs loo since she put it 'in the bin' (her words, not mine). Now tonight we had absolute meltdown from Alice because her toothbrush has disappeared. I turned out every teeny little bag, every cupboard, drawer, under every bed, behind the loo. Nothing. So I have to come up with something clever to persuade Alice to be ok without her sparkly-blue-flashing-rabbit toothbrush tomorrow morning.

It's summer here in the UK. Today, that is. I don't deal well with the heat, DH abhors flies and also suffers with hayfever so teatime/bedtime was a little frazzled with 'BATTLE OF THE DOORS'. I eventually won, although he doesn't know it. Multiple windows wiiiiiiide open upstairs.



Mandy (aka Bobby) said...

Ok, am I big ol' Yankee dork if I read your writing with a cockney accent in my head? Especially the "lo" part. Love this blog. It's so hip. Your daughters are adorable and the voice my mind created that is "yours" is also great! Thanks for sharing. Oh, and I also am looking for something besides diet and exercise to help me lose this gut. Let me know if you find it!

Keri said...

I have the tiny wrist and ankle thing happening too!

And also very, very small hands.

I'm hoping that means that there's a thin person in here somewhere!

Suzanne's Blog, Jane's Blog said...

Don't know how I ended up here, but I am glad I did. You are funny, I have the very thin leg thing going, but the upper part not good. (Jane's Blog)

Anonymous said...

the gut of a dart-playing, beer-swilling, pie-eating fat bastard.:))))) Im dying here!

Tash said...

Well, you do seem to have a bit of a time of it don't you!!

You'd better hope that the holiday is permenant - it likes Australia so much it has decided to emigrate!! ;-)

Kim said...

I need a tummy tuck too! I still have about 30 lbs of baby weight to lose but even then I think some skin will remain and my abs will never be the same without a few stitches either. Oh well, small price to pay for beautiful children I say!

Nic said...

Ah....so it isn't just me. Maybe the bellies are actually aliens, like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers....One day they'll all unite and take over the world (who cares, I will have a flat stomach)