Friday, 18 July 2008

What's bloody wrong with me?

So, all set for our holiday. I have spent the last 2 days cleaning, preparing and packing for us going down to Devon.

Tuesday and Wednesday this week I woke up absolutely tingling with excitement, hoping the reality would live up to what was in my head, and eagerly awaited the start of real 'getting-ready-to-go'.

A couple of things happened in the meantime, both not world-enders but I really do feel like I am utterly at the mercy of what goes on around me (usually caused by me, granted) and my emotions and self-esteem take a huge hit.

I am now as miserable as sin. Thoughts clawing through my head, not sleeping, hardly eating and unable to talk to even a casual hairdresser! I am in retreat, at the worst possible time.

I see my faults glaring me in the face, and I don't like the person I am very much at the moment. I don't even feel I can go into it on here, I am that low and I have opened this up to too many people to really bare my heart.

My little beauties brighten me up, but then I start feeling guilty and sad for not being the Mummy I want to be.

Is it a control thing? is it caused by anxiety? Is Post Natal Depression still in the background? Am I looking too inward? I feel like I have got to an age now to begin to look over my life and I can see clear patterns.

Right now, I don't like me. And I don't know how to change me, or my opinion of me.

22 comments:

The Stanford Family said...

you need to go on holiday and just relax and let all this ' stuff ' go and just be happy with your family. Get a spa day and go shopping and don't be so hard on yourself. Seriously ... just realx and enjoy!

Lindsey said...

I agree with Gina. And also remember HOW MUCH you do everyday. That can take a toll on you mentally and physically. Concentrate on the great in you and take time for yourself.

Ronda's Rants said...

It's time to be as good to Nic as you are to everyone else, have a good time!

Anonymous said...

Hey you - you're a great, happy, funny person, so like yourself, cheer up and stop being someone i don't know. Everyone has their bad days (or weeks), but it'll pass. Life will be grand again before you know it.

RM said...

I am so sorry you are feeling low. I feel this way sometimes, and I also try to remember not to be too hard on myself. Tomorrow is a new day and you can always do better than your last. Have fun on your trip!!

KeepinUnity said...

hey bunny i hope ur mood changes wen u get on ya holiday,isnt it strange that u hav to do more house work before u go away,the irony of a holiday eh.....i can relate to sum of your feelings n i could say chin up ect ect but i wont,cuz wen u feel shit u feel shit,u just gotta ride it out im afraid.We all hav patterns of behaviour/events!!!im on the repeat,repeat button aswell lol!!baby steps is all i can say about tryin to change this aspect of your life.u will hav a nice time once your there xoxoxoxo

Bugged said...

Agree with keepinunity, baby steps, don't try and push yourself too hard when ur feeling crap about yourself. Try and be kind to yourself and figure out what it is that's munching at you. Reflect but don't be critical about what you discover, work on what you bugs you when you feel stronger.

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. Nietzsche

Enjoy ur holiday!

Dee said...

Do you think retail therepy will help?? Maybe it's the weather. don't worry, just zone out for a while. You will come back.

theclam said...

I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings and to ride it out...

Try and take some "me" time while on holiday... Hope you feel better about yourself soon...

Sam P said...

Nic, enjoy your holiday and try to relax. If it's any consilation I'll never forget that you're the one person in the world who helps people feel better about themselves, maybe you could use some of that positive thinking on yourself. You're great and you've achieved so much especially with your beautiful girls x

Rebecca said...

Wow. Sounds like a lot is going on. I hope you're feeling a bit better now (three days after you wrote this).

ICLW... :)

Colored With Memories said...

visiting from ICLW...
I'm sure you are feeling better after a few days of vacation...

Your girls are precious and I LOVE their names!

bendingbackwards said...

Here from IComLeavWe

Hope you are able to take some "me" time during your vacation. Enjoy your time.

Kendrawolf said...

Hi, I'm here visiting from Ronda's Rants. I'm gong to take a look around.

Dreams Come True said...

It's easy to be hard on ourselves. So much easier to do that, than to find and appreciate our strengths and good parts.

I hope you have been able to be a little easier on yourself in the days since you posted this. I also hope that you had a great trip.

(ICLW)

Ronda's Rants said...

BTW...I have nominated you for an award and when you come home...you can stop by and get it!

Kim said...

Hope the holiday makes you feel better. Most moms I know have bad times. Being a mom and a wife and all the other 200 jobs that are put on your plate is sometimes so overwhelming. There are days when I could just walk out the door and down the street screaming. Not that I do, but the thoughts are there. How wonderful it would feel to not have to keep everything together and to just let go. Our time at the beach really helped. There was not really anything for me to have to do except a little basic cooking and cleaning. And nothing to do on the beach but play with the kiddos! Hang in there!

alicia said...

sorry for how you are feeling, I can imagine that would be hard. I think this vacation will help, well I hope it does!

here from ICLW

Katie said...

Don't worry about not being the Mum you want to be. My Mum was depressed for the majority of my childhood; I was a happy child who was taken to loads of amazing places. Stop worrying about being a good Mum, your kids will love you no matter what.

Katie said...

Via IComLeavWe by the way.

Martha said...

Here's a (Hug), visiting from ILCW.

Nic said...

Wow,

Don't know where to start thanking!

Well, the holiday did take my mind off some of it, not all of it, and in some areas opened other little sores...but it's nice having you lot behind me!