Monday, 30 June 2008


All is well. Florence started thedayin the same state as yesterday, completely refusing to put any weight on her right leg. She did a weird kind of leopard crawl out of her bedroom to come and have a nosy, but that was it.

By lunchtime you wouldn't know anything had happened. I am so relieved.

Being a bit of a worrier (really?!) this of course just reinforces all my irrational fears - naturally, her falling when playing obviously WASN'T on my list of things to panic about, as it wouldn't have happened if I had worried about it. I have some weird logic going which says: if you keep it on your worry rader it can't happen.

This clearly doesn't make for a fun-filled time, and certainly does me no good. And deep down, yes, I know it doesn't really protect us from anything. But I can run down my list of 'life disasters' and without exception the things that happened just hadn't occurred to me: 4 years start to finish for baby #1? Nope, hadn't thought of that. Pre eclampsia? who? Dad being rushed into hospital with a rotting gall bladder? you're kidding, right? and many more, as they say for CD compilations.

So, what to do? How can I worry about everything? Should I? Part of me knows that this is physically impossible whilst still functioning as a human being...that way lies madness. But letting go of the worries I do have just seems so reckless, to be inviting trouble.

Florence, despite her injury has been full of humour. And appears to have discovered a new trick. She's started blaming her toys for her own misdemenours. So, tonight, Macca-Pacca was a very naughty boy and made lots of noise and messed up Florence's bed after she was supposedly settled for the night. Macca-Pacca was also playing with Fi-Fi and making her go 'night night, time for bed' about 53 times. I will be having a quiet word with Macca-Pacca and he may well lose some priviledges (#1 being fiddling with Fi-Fi). Alice's toys, I am pleased to say, are perfect angels and Alice admits to any crime readily, although we do get a bit of a 'no comment' interview sometimes when she's cross.

Sunday, 29 June 2008

No funny blog today

A fun playdate ended rather suddenly with Florence screaming in agony. There was some rough and tumble, and my friend and I had just popped in the kitchen for 5 seconds when it happened, so we're not too sure what actually went on.

But it was a swift packing of a bag with snacks, and off to A and E to get her checked out. She can't bear weight on it, and REALLY cries if she tries. The x-ray was inconclusive, as apparently on toddlers a fracture quite often doesn't show up right away, only when some healing starts.

Iam very sad, my poor little girl, she's happy enough sitting, as long as you're bringing her stuff but gets so upset when she tries to walk.

Her and Alice have gone to bed grubby, tired and very late. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday, 28 June 2008

Excellent continuation to the weekend

I am pretty sure Alice doesn't have cystitis. I lay in bed with bated breath, awaiting the shrieks when she got up this morning and went to the loo. Nothing, just her usual monologue, informing me of her plans for the day, and how Florence mustn't take Mr Tickles, oh no, he is her toy, Florence has her own, and when we go to Tesco we need to buy some jelly tots.....

So, curioser and curioser. I stand down from Defcon 2, and follow orders to go to Tesco (not just for the jelly tots). Tesco's was so jolly. Oh, no, that's right, it was hideous. I obviously go on 'I am a selfish tit' day or maybe it was the Annual 'haphazard Trolley Control' competetion. Is it me, or pray, is it not sodding rocket science to 'park' your trolley considerately. Bad enough that I have to grow 14 eyes to keep track of child-on-fast-forward, Alice darting here, there and everywhere, helpfully gathering odd stuff and launching it into the basket. Maybe the other shoppers were in an alternate reality, where there were not other shoppers, and so abandoning their trolleys at artful angles didn't matter as they were the only people in the shop. Added to this, our Tesco has its own mission statement 'The Customer is rarely right' so you just watch out for our bored, don't give a toss teenagers chatting to one another as the shelf-stacking thingy blocks almost the entire aisle (It's only the salad bit, no one needs that). Then there's 'old single bloke alcoholic who hates the world' VRRRRROOOOOOOOM....10 points, I got another kid.

After this glorious interlude we spent time playing in the garden, and I couldn't help notice Alice kept doing an impression of a man - namely grabbing her bits, giving em a quick twist, and moving on. Uh oh....

So back to Tesco we jolly well went later. I took a small gun. Bought some live yogurt. and crisps. and cucumber. But they're irrelevant. The yogurt was for Alice's...

What a performance!! Firstly of course I couldn't call it yogurt - we'd have got into the whole toddler logic thing, in which I instictively knew, yogurt on a monkey was not going to be a winner. So I called it 'special cream'. It was cold, and she screamed blue murder when I put it on, and insisted it hurted. It's a while since I have had the joy of the yard-broom affliction, but I don't recall yogurt 'hurting' as such.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (why didn't you do that 9 million words ago??!!) it ended up with me having to prove it didn't hurt. By having the yogurt treatment myself. All over my face, stomach and hair. By both of them.

What do these kids do to us?

Friday, 27 June 2008

Excellent start to the weekend.

I am pretty sure Alice has cystitis. The screams and tears when she went to the loo before bed were horrific, and the way she's walking tells its own story.

So, here in Olde Englande we can either boil up some toads and crush with the hair of a 100 year old woman, add a little sugar to taste.....or equally problematic is how you can get medical attention in the UK out of Monday-Friday 9-6 (2 hrs for lunch)

A couple of years ago Alice picked up some sicky bug with a raging high temperature. She was NOT herself in any way, and lay around in and out of sleep, refusing to eat, drink...anything.

Here's the process (and a brief precis of the 'call')

1. Rang GPs surgery to get their answerphone telling you to ring emergency number or ring NHS Direct.

2. Rang NHS Direct, following me telling them her temp and not drinking told to ring emergency number for GP.

3. Ring through to a CALL CENTRE. Nice. Explain your problem to a non-medic and they decide whether you need to speak to a doc now, or if you will have to wait for them to ring back 'within 2 hours'

4. Wait an hour.

5. GP phones

'What's wrong with her?'
'sickness, temp etc etc'
'How high is temp?'
'Have you given her paracetemol?
'no, we thought we'd just see what the boiling point of a 1 year old is'
'Is she stripped off?'
'Oh yes, in fact, we've half hung her out of the window - it's snowing tonight, you know'
'No, of course not, there wasn't much on telly so I thought I would just see how many health professionals I could speak to in an evening' (I DON'T KNOW TOSSER, YOU'RE THE PIGGING DOCTOR)
'Can you get her to me?' (1 yr old, high high temp, not really awake, floppy, barely responsive, outside minus yikes degrees and SNOW)
'yeah, we thought we'd bring her over in the buggy, nice night for a 10 mile trip with an ill 1-yr old'
'So you want me to come out?...(sigh)'
'No, no, heavens no, you stay there, have another whiskey, don't mind us. Got any mates I can call, by my tally I haven't talked to a chiropodist yet tonight'

He did eventually come out, smelling of whiskey I kid you not. And yes, she was ok, and yes, I was no doubt over-panicking BUT I DON'T CARE. My kids, my worry, and I pay my taxes, oh yes do I.

So, tomorrow will be the phone chase until I finally get a GP to agree to see us. I will make sure I wind Florence up a bit before I call so she can add some extra dramatic screaming sound effects to poor little Alice's genuine ones.

Nighty night xxxx

Thursday, 26 June 2008


I held a v near newborn today. Actually, I had him sleeping on my shoulder for an hour. Popped in to see a friend and her little boy, Leyton. What a darling! and how small are they?! Little tinker, he definitely likes a sleep on a person!

I am on my knees tonight. DH has been on late shifts all week, not finishing until at least midnight, not getting home until 1230 earliest and last night was a wowzer....I woke at 2am to just hear the tail end of a text message 'all fine, v busy'.....back to sleep. Awake at DH, go down and try to phone reply...managed to get back to sleep and he arrives in just as I am getting up at 0630.

I just can't settle when he isn't here....the crash, the thought of what *could* happen to any police officer on duty. I need to adjust, and soon! For a professional worrier I have a man in the wrong job. He's home tonight, and even him watching bloody football doesn't bother me, just lovely to have him here, in fact the football makes him even more present!

Sorry blog a bit blah tonight, I plead uber-knackered and promise to do better tomorrow.

Nice to see people visiting, thank you. If I don't fall asleep and dribble onto my keyboard I will be 'going out' tonight ;-)

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

"I quit"

I did a brave thing today. For the last 2-3 months I have been filling a manager's post temporarily. I was also still fulfilling my usual role. Not good. Add DH and his steep learning curve as a new police officer, his car accident and my now being unable to sleep when he's on shift. Recipe for one pissed off little bunny. I have been going down, down, down for a few weeks now. I had some time to reflect yesterday, and really analyse things, and the only variable I could have some effect on was the job.

Money's great. Buys lots of nice stuff. But it isn't something that makes me happy. We don't NEED the extra, and in the big scheme of things it didn't truly make a jolt of difference. But my enjoyment of life and everything was dribbling through the floor. So, after discussing it with DH at 1am (he knew it was on the cards, just the 'when' was rather sooner than we'd anticipated) I told my boss this morning.

Felt pretty down all day, despite this supposedly huge weight lifted, but am now feeling tons better, and think admitting temporary (if the job comes up stand-alone I will go for it) defeat is actually a kind of victory - I have won me back, and my joy in life. I have won my ability to be DH's rock, as he is mine, and I am sure the girls have picked up on it (which makes me feel terrible) as they were little sparkling gleams of sunshine this evening (well, ok, Alice has reached 'wardrobe' stage and insists on multi-changes like on 'What not to wear', Florence obviously being Trinny and Suzannah) and we had some beautiful girl time together.

The trouble is, I am just incapable of being a half-measures person. If I do something, I do it completely thoroughly - as a wife I am so committed to not only making our marriage work, but to also keep hold of our romance and wonder with each other (glad to say though there's been some hard times we've come through the other side), as a friend I am scarily loyal, and open and honest to a painful degree, and expect the same back, when I was TTC it was a full-on operation from the get-go and the hurdles in our way just fired me to learn more and find our path forward. So, for me to dip in and out of two jobs, even if the powers-that-be are more than happy with what's happening, I hate it. Not being able to have closure on something, finish it off, causes me incredible stress and I go into free-fall, circling around and around things until I can't sleep, think or even comunicate logically as a human being. I drive myself, and others insane with my dog-at-a-bone worrying at things, and eventually something falls over. When this is with regard to inanimate things, it's usually me that falls over through overdoing it. In relation to relationships, I will probably wreck it, through just not leaving well alone. As I don't seem to understand others' need for space, people often don't understand my need for 'we're ok, just leave it a bit (famous I vant to be alone!). DH of course falls into the latter crowd, but we've come to a good way of working through these tendencies and providing for the others' preference - my pick pick pick, and his ....sulk! (I call it sulk, the passive-agressive 'not speaking to you' )

I couldn't let this happen. My family needs me. I want to enjoy my family. So, adieu, job, or maybe au revoir?

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Must get out more...

in the virtual sense, of course. DH's shifts and my 2 moppets mean that going and drinking alcopops and dancing until 4am aren't on the to-do list. Or even would be if there weren't DH's shifts and my 2 moppets.

No, the internet has been a lonely place for me since leaving yahoo, and let's all be honest here, I was pretty much fulfilling the 'billy-no-mates' role for a fair while anyway. So, no more wallowing (please, a bit more, I kinda LIKE wallowing) get out there.

And you know, there are some AMAZING blogs around. A huge huge huge infertility community which I had never stumbled across, with some wonderful writing and really funny observations on life, TTC, infertility and the stuff that hopefully comes after.

I am getting used to writing into a void, self-reflection is no bad thing, right? But I am definitely, definitely, grabbing my virtual handbag and having a good wander around cycberspace seeing what is out there, and how many fab blogs there are.

Monday, 23 June 2008

Things you can say to your toddler that you probably wont when she's 15

Wow! What a huuuuuuge poo - you clever girl!!!


Try not to get up too early tomorrow, darling - 7am is plenty early enough

Which toys do you want in the bath?

Look, eat your dinner with this fork, it's a princess one

Why do you hate boys?

I know, mummy IS a brilliant dancer

You'd like to do jigsaws AGAIN?

'The wheels on the bus go round and round...and round...and round'

Hey, let's all have fun doing grocery shopping!

You want to sleep in your sister's bed?

What story do you want tonight?

Sunday, 22 June 2008

Oh and I'm hormonal

I think there's a glitch in the matrix, or rather my little matchstick-sized 3-year dose of progesterone is in free-fall.

All weekend I have been a pathetic, near tears mess. DH and I have been getting on really well for a bit now (nothing like the horrors of the mean streets of Luton to make him realise home is where the heart is, and he also doesn't usually get called 'pig' here).

But this morning I woke up and decided to pick a fight. Not 'I think I fancy a fight'. Just incredibly pissy, armed with a 'illogical argument' missile I set to on poor DH. Don't ask me what I started on, I was really winging it - actually using his replies as fuel 'that's right, it IS sunny, and just because you say it's sunny, I guess that means the whole WORLD is sunny for you, well, believe you easy for you to say coffee, you didn't go to bed at 1030 and sleep thru til 7...' yeah, I was on fire.

A nice cry to Mum later, the main subject of which I *think* was the global depression and we're pretty much done.

Is this the next 'stage'

Alice is a very sunny-natured girl. She's very chatty, giggly and open and actively enjoys joining in and 'helping' Mummy. So, will someone please explain exactly what has happened this weekend??!! She's 3 1/2 soon, and I do vaguely remember a friend talking about how her little boy turned into a small devil-incarnate around this age.

Alice uses NO and really means it. She deliberately baits her sister. She throws a hissy fit if she isn't given biscuits/sweets/crisps on demand (she never has been but this weekend it has suddenly become an issue) She can sulk, pout and generally paddy about anything she feels like. She's been incredibly disobedient this weekend, totally ignoring things she'd normally just get on with.

Some of it is hard not to laugh at (a little slip of a thing stalking out of the room a la Naomi Campbell is a sight to see - especially in her vile plastic high heels) but some of it is very upsetting and draining. I would love any tips as to how to deal with this one. Oh, and it's obviously hitting just as Florence moves into smiley, compliant toddler. Of course!!

Saturday, 21 June 2008

As you can see....

I managed it! Obviously addicted now and looking at blog templates everywhere....anyone know anywhere nice? And, Keep....I know-ish how to do it - gimme a shout.


Friday, 20 June 2008

Hmmmm....trying to change look of blog...

Lost all my pics and nice stuff and haven't actually found anything I anyone?

It's funny...

How a cat will quickly adjust to sneaking upstairs to sleep cos Daddy's on nights

How much a little dot of a 2-year old can eat when she feels like it, oink oink

How instantly children know sweets, crisps and chocolate are NICE

How vile ironing is, no matter how much or little you do it

How a man being on a night shift is waaaaaay more tiring than a woman getting up at 6 and working through till 5 is

How helping one person in trouble can make you feel so good

How one person can spoil something you've enjoyed for years, even if they're not around any more

How easily you can confirm someone is lying to you

How you'll never confront them with it

How gorgeous clean sheets are

How, now the tradional practice of sleeping at night is re-established, you wonder how on earth you got through 3 years on no more than 3 hours unbroken sleep at a time

How wonderful it is to sit cuddled up with DH and watch the girls doing 'ballet'

How your little girl drawing you with 4 eyes is a compliment

How much a week in a caravan sounds idyllic after 4 years without a holiday

How people is the UK are coping with the rocketing fuel prices (£1.21 a litre now)

How much my little ladies adore spaghetti bolegnaise

How much a haircut revives you

How much outside problems make you realise how much you love your family

How good friends can be really busy people but pick up as soon as they can and carry on like there was no gap (My little Fagglet)

How long chicken pox spots take to go!

How, no matter what, chocolate always does it

Monday, 16 June 2008

Did I mention...

DH was in a car crash. Yes, he's ok, thank heavens. This actually happened 2 weeks ago...I woke up at 5am and realised DH hadn't arrived home from a supposed 3am finish of his night shift. I tried really hard to not think bad things, and just laid in bed, hoping he was just stuck in Custody with some scummo, or doing paperwork, or one of the 1001 things that keep a Police Officer away from those he loves. I hear the gate go at 0530, but DH doesn't arrive upstairs, so I toddle down, thankful that he's back.

Sorrowful, tired eyes look at me and he says 'go and look at the car'. Well, the back bumper is totalled - get this: only 5 days after we got it back from repairs from when the delightful idiot scraped the passenger doors an age ago!!! DH was ok, think he suffered a minor whiplash (debating persuing it legally) and shook up. I sent him to casualty to get checked out, and then he came in and slept for the day.

Some idiot had followed him too close and too fast and didn't bother braking for a sharp bend that DH did brake for. Slammed into the back of him. The only 'good' (?) news is the fact that this fool picked the wrong person to hit - DH was still on duty until he got home, did a few checks and it turns out the chap doesn't have insurance OR a licence. The car itself did have insurance on though (Thank God) so there is something to claim against. Scary to think if DH wasn't a policeman this bloke would've just gone on his merry way having given false details.

So, yet again we have a wrecked car, yet again it needs a week at the bodyshop. We're definitely NOT enjoying our new car so far, but with fuel rocketing the way it is here, just relieved we're not paying the guzzly costs of running the 4x4.

Our marriage isn't perfect by a long shot, but thank you Lord for keeping him as safe as you could.

Saturday, 14 June 2008

A fab day

It really has been.

DH finally has a weekend off and we've really enjoyed being with the girls together, and re-connecting as a couple.

Shopping this morning, the girls were so well-behaved, Alice 'helpfully' selecting things, but quite happily replacing them (there's only so many parsnips Mummy can cook for a Sunday Lunch), and Florence sucking an entire satsuma to death.

We then went for a walk, and to feed some ducks. The ducks were lovely as usual, but suddenly we found ourselves surrounded by a huge crowd of HUGE geese. I am very scared of geese, but mummy instincts over-rode that, and within no time at all me and the girls were merrily hissing at them and trying to scare them away. The walk was along a beautiful trickling brook, bordered by very high grass and wildflowers. The girls looked like something from Swallows and Amazons, Florence brandishing a stick and whacking away at anything she could and Alice picking buttercups. DH and I wandered behind them holding hands in the sunshine.

After this we went to the little pub around the corner from us, there's a lovely play area for little ones and the food is really good. We all had huge doorstep sandwiches with some chippies. Home for a snooze for all, and then we played together all afternoon (as well as managing to get some cooking done for the next week!)

DH is out now, getting us a pizza, and I feel so relaxed, happy and content. Happy, happy, happy xxxxxx

Wednesday, 4 June 2008


You know what?

I am actually too annoyed to blog this.

Sufficient to say: men, can't live with them, can't bury them under a disused railway track and not chance being on a murder charge.