Wednesday, 25 June 2008

"I quit"

I did a brave thing today. For the last 2-3 months I have been filling a manager's post temporarily. I was also still fulfilling my usual role. Not good. Add DH and his steep learning curve as a new police officer, his car accident and my now being unable to sleep when he's on shift. Recipe for one pissed off little bunny. I have been going down, down, down for a few weeks now. I had some time to reflect yesterday, and really analyse things, and the only variable I could have some effect on was the job.

Money's great. Buys lots of nice stuff. But it isn't something that makes me happy. We don't NEED the extra, and in the big scheme of things it didn't truly make a jolt of difference. But my enjoyment of life and everything was dribbling through the floor. So, after discussing it with DH at 1am (he knew it was on the cards, just the 'when' was rather sooner than we'd anticipated) I told my boss this morning.

Felt pretty down all day, despite this supposedly huge weight lifted, but am now feeling tons better, and think admitting temporary (if the job comes up stand-alone I will go for it) defeat is actually a kind of victory - I have won me back, and my joy in life. I have won my ability to be DH's rock, as he is mine, and I am sure the girls have picked up on it (which makes me feel terrible) as they were little sparkling gleams of sunshine this evening (well, ok, Alice has reached 'wardrobe' stage and insists on multi-changes like on 'What not to wear', Florence obviously being Trinny and Suzannah) and we had some beautiful girl time together.

The trouble is, I am just incapable of being a half-measures person. If I do something, I do it completely thoroughly - as a wife I am so committed to not only making our marriage work, but to also keep hold of our romance and wonder with each other (glad to say though there's been some hard times we've come through the other side), as a friend I am scarily loyal, and open and honest to a painful degree, and expect the same back, when I was TTC it was a full-on operation from the get-go and the hurdles in our way just fired me to learn more and find our path forward. So, for me to dip in and out of two jobs, even if the powers-that-be are more than happy with what's happening, I hate it. Not being able to have closure on something, finish it off, causes me incredible stress and I go into free-fall, circling around and around things until I can't sleep, think or even comunicate logically as a human being. I drive myself, and others insane with my dog-at-a-bone worrying at things, and eventually something falls over. When this is with regard to inanimate things, it's usually me that falls over through overdoing it. In relation to relationships, I will probably wreck it, through just not leaving well alone. As I don't seem to understand others' need for space, people often don't understand my need for 'we're ok, just leave it a bit (famous I vant to be alone!). DH of course falls into the latter crowd, but we've come to a good way of working through these tendencies and providing for the others' preference - my pick pick pick, and his ....sulk! (I call it sulk, the passive-agressive 'not speaking to you' )

I couldn't let this happen. My family needs me. I want to enjoy my family. So, adieu, job, or maybe au revoir?