Monday, 31 March 2008

Working from home

I had booked today in as a dayto work from home. Events since friday, the car and something else too distasteful to mention on a pretty blog like this gave me a re-think. I decided last night I was just in no mood to sit alone with a computer, but would be better off doing what I had planned in work.

All good, dragged me and the girls up at the crack of dawn (this clock thing sucks) got us all ready, went to take the bags out to the car. No keys. NO KEYS???!!!! Aaaaah, wonderful. DH did mention yesterday they were in his car and I never gave it another thought. Neither did he as he hared off to his first day protecting the citizens of Luton from minor shoplifting crime. Thankfully, the childminder offered to pick the girls up, as there most certainly would not have been 'working' from home: I can't and I wont 'work' while the girls are around, only go online when they're asleep. But I have made good progress and this is my teabreak/lunch.

The bleed is back!!!! noooooo!!! Not much, but the fact that I woke up with period pain doesn't bode well....just over a week virtually free. Good job DH exercised his...marital rights that's it...over an undefined period at the weekend, or no doubt he'd be saying in 3 months time 'God, you've been bleeding for over a week now, that's ages' like he did last time - AFTER 3 WEEKS. I know we're no longer at naked-under-a-coat and leaping off the wardrobe stage, but blimey, 3 weeks and he doesn't notice. I will blame his law exam.

Welcome to my friend Sian. Looking forward to your blogs, I have a feeling I am going to be laughing a lot.

Sunday, 30 March 2008

Such a beautiful day

Glory be! We were finally blessed with a warm, springlike, sunny day. The tulips I planted at the front are starting to push through the ground, and there's shoots coming on the clematis.

After a swift whizz around Tesco we went off to some woods near us, where there's a large lake full of wildfowl. Took some bread for them, and a picnic for us. I can't tell you how gorgeous it was, amazingly already there were tons of butterflies, I hope the weather doesn't go freezing again. The girls had a whale of a time charging after the ducks, Florence in hysterics at every quack or duck that took her bread, Alice very fairly sharing out to all she could see (Florence didn't mind which one she fed, it was just funny!).

Alice has developed a new habit. I don't know if you know the Peppa Pig series - her and Florence love it. Well, we get to the checkout at the supermarket and Alice introduces me to the checkout girl. In a very clear, loud voice she says 'and this is Mummy Pig' pointing at me. Silence. The checkout girl erupted in giggles (she, I fear was of an age to possibly not yet have had the joys of Peppa Pig) I MADE Alice introduce 'Daddy Pig' and the checkout girl asked her who she was 'Oh, I am the big scary spider'. Fine. I may not be exactly sylphlike, but I like to think, apart from pale eyelashes, me and old Mummy Pig don't have that much in common. Different clothes to start with. Alice has since called me it all day.

Thank you. Hmmm!

Saturday, 29 March 2008


That's what we played today. Luckily the weather was do-able, and first thing DH said let's take advantage and take the girls somewhere, as Easter weather was such a disaster.

We went to a place called Gulliver's Land. It's I suppose a theme park, but on an extremely small scale, and mostly aimed at little ones. We were a bit concerned as to how the day would go when Florence, immediately upon seeing the 'elephant' (person dressed up as an elephant in a ballet dress) completely lost it and was petrified. Poor little mite clung to me so hard for about 45 minutes and kept her head tucked in, like a little animal. DH and Alice set-to going on all the rides they could, whilst I sat and soothed my sweet little monkey. I could hear murmered answers to my 'are you oks' and just stroked her hair. After a bit DH took over and she slowly came round and started taking an interest in things.

Both girls had a fab time, and we did too. The weather gradually deteriorated, but we coped in traditional Dunkirk spirit, and braved the wind. DH over-reached Alice a little, taking her on this mad boat ride, which I am SO glad to say, Florence was too small for, so it got me out of it. It was one of the more 'grown-up' things there and from the get-go Alice hated it. DH held onto her tight, and she was ok, but hasn't stopped talking about it! Florence hasn't stopped telling us she didn't like the elephant!

A slightly low end point was that some tosser had hit our car in the car park, dented and scraped passenger door as well as one behind it. Oh, and didn't bother to leave contact details. The car's a week old. 300 miles on the clock. We're trying to be philosophical about it, and thanking our lucky stars that it wasn't a real prang, with girls in the car, but some people make you sick, don't they?

Friday, 28 March 2008

What I like about Pap smears....


ugh ugh ugh UGHHHHHHHHH. Bloody hell, only me, it could only happen to me. I get the doctor who skipped the 'female anatomy' bit of his medical books.

In comes the ubiquitous nurse 'do you know what the doctor's going to do, dear?....blah blah cervix...legs.....blah blah.....poke really hard with a big stick....' I (through gritted teeth) told the nurse I was fine without the science, and yes, thanks for the compliment, I have had one or two of these procedures as I am now 40. Oh and I did IVF 'Oooooooh, fancy - you will be used to all this then, no problem'. Yes, I actually looked forward to this particular part of IVF avidly 'oh goodie, goodie - embryo transfer - I get to make a y-shape and have sharp implements introduced into places I had never considered (i.e anywhere but a nice medium steak or cutting the tags off some lovely new clothes).

So out comes the car jack, I mean speculum. Do they really need to be that big??? Can't they just peer a bit more carefully with the aid of something smaller. 'Stand back, I am going in' says the doc. No, not really. But....and...he doesn't go in the right direction...he'sgoing horizontal not downwards and backwards. Unsurprisingly he meets resistance, actually I am surprised he wasn't flung across the room. 3 times and I am beginning to weary of it. I suggest an alteration of angle and waaaaayyyyyhaaaay there we go. Good job. And then what does he do??? Frigging wanders off because he's picked the wrong pokey sticks. Nursey goes with to help out 'oooh, this one looks nice - forked'. And there I lay, like something Damian Hirst might come up with, with Robocop's left hand artistically positioned. UGHHHHHHHHHH.

So glad that's over. A good day at the office/on roads around Bedfordshire in the rain. I borrowed DH's Satnav to see if it helped me travel more efficiently, but didn't like its suggestion of the route back so ignored it, and I swear it WAS getting pissed off with me disregarding its advice. TURN RIGHT....AT THE NEXT JUNTION TURN RIGHT.....OH SOD YOU THEN, GO WHERE YOU BLOODY WANT TO. I acted really mature and answered 'Tim, the M1 is pants on a friday mate...don't get stroppy, oh WHATEVER, you talk to yourself. It probably would have made more sense to actually turn it off.

Sian, if you come on here, please PLEASE don't share the site with DH....or any other coppers. I don't think any of my PIP meetings would ever be quite the same if whoever it were with had read the above ;-). Also, I am not sure my own little copper would be overjoyed me sharing that description with ALL of our colleagues.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Night Nurse, you're sacked

The best laid plans of Bunnies invariably go tits-up. Careful, obsessive, meticulous scheduling of cold medication in my oh-so-virgo perfectionist way went the way of all things over-rehearsed - wrong.

I planned it so I could have Night Nurse for around bedtime, thus obviously guaranteeing a blissful, restful slide into dreamland to wake refreshed and glorious the next morning. Alternatively, you can lie awake tossing and turning, muttering peculiar threats to DH just because he's sodding asleep and you're not. Until 3am. WONDERFUL, I bet I will feel fab tomorrow.

I actually wasn't too bad, probably in shock. It's been so long now with disturbed sleep it's almost a given. Cracking day at work, I really ramped it up and got tons and tons done, and better still have a day working from home on Monday (not with girls - my work and them being in the same building are completely incompatible) but it means I can get loads done AND pick them up early.

Alice has such an imagination, I could listen to her for hours, some of her weird little ideas, and she's already got the english toilet-humour obsession and says she'll poo on me, I of course laugh like a drain. Florence says everything is a 'mermaid one'. Her speech is amazing, it is true, the close sibling age thing. Our journeys in the car are really, really brilliant. I do the driving (really?! not Florence?) and they yap their heads of to me. After a day spent being a grown-up and talking 'personal development' 'assessment strategy' 'implementation policy' I love gabbling about the fairy houses, and princesses in the woods and of course 'mermaid ones'

I am making a concious effort to move myself past yesterday's mood. That's being helped by confirmation that I have indeed been set to 'appear offline to .....' permanantly, and it has triggered the next stage of mourning - anger!! Which is a kind of closure. At least, to stop persuing a happy conclusion saves some energy. In usual Bunny fashion, if something like this happens I very quickly and efficiently remove all traces of that person from my life. That is now awork in progress.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

A bit of blah

What a 'nothing' day. Haven't been feeling terribly well, some man-flu type cold has set up house in my throat and today only really happened with the guest appearance of Day Nurse.

Some minor work successes, and giving that I felt poo and caught myself staring at the computer blankly on several occasions, is good news. I was actually meant to be teaching today, but between them, the grand total of 3 detectives booked onto it didn't deign to show up. One emailed me late yesterday asking if the course was on. Er, yes, have you heard something I haven't?! why would you think it hasn't been cancelled if you haven't heard anything?! I didn't get the email until I got in this morning, and by that time he felt going and making some arrests was more important than me training him. The public would possibly agree with him, but the longer view being - I need to train him to train his baby detectives, so perhaps him attending this training would be better for you and I and our lives/well-being in the long term.

So, with no class to teach I was able to miserable myself out in my office. There's barely anyone in the training wing this week - school Easter Holidays so just about everyone is off.

I am getting used to this 'no audience' (or barely any audience, or no audience that wants to comment) thing. I guess no honest comments is better than 20 for the sake of it. To be honest I always had the feeling on Yahoo that as long I was the funny, performing monkey, coming up with entertainment and self-depreciation I was Mrs Popular, the minute I said anything of meaning (unless heaven forbid, it led to a bitch session!) not many people were interested. I advertised my departure and a pitiful number of 'friends' voiced their wish to follow me through cyberspace, and of them I haven't seen a great deal! The posts and replies continue on Yahoo so in this case I guess I DO need to take it personally, and move on.

For a long time on Yahoo I have felt 'left out'. Either by 'gangs' in chat (that was the start of the rot) or by sheer time-difference - I am just not on when other people are (although bizarrely that didn't used to be the case - that probably says more about me than them). And one other area was that some people made me feel inadequete as a mother - not, I am completely sure, by design (I would certainly hope not in some cases) but it just was. Through getting to know more mummies over here I have realised that some things are just cultural, and there's absolutely no mileage in feeling guilty because you didn't snatch the bottle away the nanosecond a baby turns one.

I have to look to myself for a lot of it. If something happens repeatedly, and you are the only common denomonator, then chances are it's you, not them. I was at the stage of 'chatting' to only 3-4 people on a regular basis, and a lot of times it would be me initiating conversations. Most of that 4 are hardly on now, they have stuff going on I know, but I am also intelligent enough to see other activity on Yahoo to know....well. I bring it on myself. Someone called me, or at least 'inferred me' a wise owl. I think I am too wise for my own damned good. I did have a huge run-in with my mother 2-3 years ago, and one of the things that came out of an 'open and honest' discussion was my propensity to 'lecture'. I thought I was getting a good handle on it, in fact, as far as 'real life' goes I know I have. Obviously I need to work on that 'virtually' too. I guess not actually being face-to-face with people, and the chance of ever being so, so remote as to not even be an issues, is rather liberating. And all your old 'bad habits' come out. I know, to my shame I have been really rough on some people in there - belittling people by showing off superior knowledge is not a sign of intelligence, it's exactly the same as someone who brags because they feel inferior. A little bit of kindness goes a long way, and people don't need the whole, brutal truth. Just because Bunny thinks she's right, doesn't mean she is.

Well, I know for certain I have lost one friend through this recently, and tbh probably 2, only the other one is such a gentle, giving soul she won't come out and say it, I think a quiet and slow detachment is what'll happen there. The other has cut me off dead, which is quite shocking, when you don't perceive your own actions to even be wrong in the first instance, and even after some reflection don't feel they warrant the same reaction as a complete 'wronging' This just goes to show, that what I see as 'wrong' bears no resemblance to what other people do, and 'honesty and integrity' (in commas because it doesn't necessariliy mean it IS - just my perception and personal value, which may be completely skewed) can cost dearly.

I'm sad. That's the truth. I hope this is the revelation I need. Obviously family can't just cut you off dead for being 'you'. But friends, however long-suffering, will eventually get sick of it and just quietly, or suddenly, bow out.

I hate unresolved things. I hate leaving arguments up in the air. I find it difficult to appreciate other people's need to cool down, and push and push and push until they think 'sod this, enough already, leave me ALONE'. I feel a little like a lovesick teenager - leaving offlines, messages, effort I should have put in a lot earlier - am I that selfish? and no response. Nothing, nada, zero. Yahoo chat gives you the option of appearing offline to specific people, and having used it in the past, and having not given it a second thought as to how that person would feel, me just not appearing forever....well, I know how it feels now. Vile.

Move on, Nic, move on and learn by it. Hopefully.

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Reasons for cheating on a diet

1. I have a cold

2. I have a cold coming

3. I have had a cold and haven't eaten more than 20 calories in a week

4. I didn't eat all day, so scoffing the contents of the fridge like a rabid buffalo just makes up for what I missed all day

5. I cleaned the oven, and everyone knows that burns approximately 33 million calories

6. I am depressed

7. I am happy

8. I have AF/coming

9. I am pregnant

10. I *might* be pregnant

11. I just gave birth

12. I can't get pregnant

13. I was pregnant and now the kids are driving me insane

14. It's cold

15. It's REALLY cold

16. It's the weekend

17. One night/day/week/month/year can't hurt

18. It'll restart my metabolism

19. You have to eat chocolate whilst reading/watching tv/a movie/paint dry

20. DH and I fought/made up

21. If I load up with celery it'll actually completely counteract what I eat

22. I lost 12lb (2lb) last week, so a little less this week wont hurt

23. My body obviously needs it (yes, those spare tyres are looking peaky)

24. Who diets over christmas/new year/easter/valentines/mothers day/St Patricks/my Great Aunt Bessie, twice removed's birthday?

25. I already cheated so another 6 bags of chips/chocolates/53 cakes aren't going to make any difference.

Well, it works for me ;-)

Monday, 24 March 2008


After having Florence (and Alice but it got way worse after Florence) I got so the merest sniffle would have me in a complete lather, petrified of something horrific going on - it wasn't just a sniffle, it was meningitis, and if I wasn't fast spotting it, we'd be too late and lose her. Or DH would take her out for a drive/shopping and be later than I expected - I would be convinced that the next thing would be a Police Car drawing up outside, coming to tell me they'd been killed in a car crash. Florence would sleep through and I would wake up, shoot out of bed and completely disturb her because the only reason I could think of for her not waking me was...

Well, I eventually went to the doctor with this. I felt it all stemmed from the infertility/early losses and especially the loss of Alice's twin at 8 weeks. It wasn't 'vanishing twin syndrome' - this was full on miscarrying the twin, and almost taking Alice with it. I bled A LOT on and off from our BFP, right through to 12w. Yes, lots of people bleed in pregnancy, but multiple scans actually showed us it happening - and we'd seen the h/b at 5w (amazingly).

The doctor diagnosed moderate Post-Natal depression. True, I was crying at everything, I certainly didn't feel like I could cope and was convinced something would happen to take my babies away. I refused all medication after a couple of abortive attempts with 2 different types, one where I didn't sleep for 3 days for terror way more magnified than before, and one where I felt scarily, violently angry. No, meds were not for me. Eventually time and life got me through it, and worrying thoughts of how to escape my fears subsided. This wasn't something I confided to anyone in its' entirety - I felt people would judge me, think I was an unfit mother and...of course...take my children away.

Where is this going?! I think I have discovered one of my weak points is where it's going. When all is going well in all my relationships etc etc I skip along as happy as Larry, and handle the normal ups and downs of children's health with a hop, skip and a jump and just wait it out/solve it. When some other area of my life (usually relationships) is on a low, my ability to handle my children's issues in a rational manner is GONE. Completely gone. Which is where I am now. I have had a 'fight' with a friend. Something that's blown up between us that really never should, there's faut on both sides, but ultimately we should solve it. She doesn't want to, or gives a good impression of that. No response to any overtures, she does have lots going on, but even a terse 'ok, we'll talk at some point' would give a glimmer that things wil get sorted. But nada, and guess where that leaves me? In the Panic Theme Park, barely sleeping. Of course, I am not conciously doing this - luckily, for my messed up little head the girls have got a combination of cold, conjuntivitis and now Florence has hat-tricked it with severe constipation and has spent most of the last 2 days straining and crying. Not their fault (or the friend's) but I am in hell. Not only coping with the relatively minor problems they're having but worse trying desperately to hang onto my sanity and not rush them to the hospital with only a vague idea of what I am scared of. I KNOW they're ok, and I KNOW their eyes are getting better, and I KNOW it's just a cold and I KNOW Florence will eventually poo, even if it is with the help of Mr Up-the-bum-you-go suppository. Try telling me this at any point where my brain has a chance to free-wheel.

So, what is this? is it truly 'depression' leading to anxiety, as the doc said? If so, he was right, and I should have solved it with pills because Florence is 2 now, and I am still falling back into this puddle at any sign of trouble. Is it anxiety? on its own? Admittedly, there is one unresolved 'thing' from way way back, which I am tentatively thinking about seeking counselling for - work bizarrely has helped it rear its ugly, hideous head again and in some work scenarios I need it to be out to function at my best. Or is it just....nothing, and that's just me. Learn to live with it, now I know, maybe I can handle it better?

Also, I can admit here to starting to be a bit anxious about this bleeding thing, obviously searching the internet and trying to self-diagnose isn't the best way, but I always look to find the 'innocent' causes of things (maybe in my current mindset that's been filtered out) and I am just not finding them. My Mum's attitude to this is also confusing me - I swear, even with the chemical pregnancies, she's always been a 'pull yourself together' kinda gal (not helpful when you're 8 and have undiagnosed labyrinthitis!) so when I mentioned the bleed she begged me to go to the doctors'. I said, Mother, we both know it's the rod. Still she urged, and actually put the phone down on me quite upset when 2w later I said the same thing. She asked last night what the next tests are after the basic ones on Friday. Does she know something I don't know? Why are we having a conversation that I swear never happened (ok - pre eclampsia it did) with any other health thing going on with me, including 2 breast lumps.

I need to look up something herbal to work on this overactive brain methinks. In the meantime, wish me luck with the bottom bombs, and Florrie's recalcitrant poo.

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Let it snow

Easter Sunday greeted us with beautiful falling snow. Both girls were facinated, snow isn't a regular occurrance in the UK. Despite being such a weather-obsessed little island, we're remarkably crap at handling it. DH and I adore listening to our little local radio station, where the discuss gardening tips, ongoing complaints with various companies and every sunday they run a 'scavenger hunt' - driving around local obscure hamlets, following clues. Well, hold the press! Today it wasn't on because of the 'treacherous' 1/2 inch of snow. The snow, however, was discussed at great length, with almost every little village you could think of calling in, like something out of the blitz. It's things like this make me love my England, and able to withstand the hideous fuel prices, mad work ethic, weird attitude to patriotism oh and did I mention WEATHER?!

Us girls had a little play in it - this in fact entailed mother rolling around the garden building an oddly-deformed snowman, being watched and dictated to in stereo by my princesses. There was a bit of a mad scramble to make a face, as Alice was so keen to point out CONSTANTLY. Eventually I came up with the brainwave of using nuts - hmmmm, walnuts and almonds to be precise. The minute I turned my back the fiends scoffed the lot - it was bad enough that poor snowman was a bit of a Picasso chappy (yes, Alice and Florence did the face) but to then lose it altogether - no wonder the poor chap collapsed in a heap by the time we came in from a little trip out! DH of course filmed us - from inside!!

One more day of play then it's off to the wonderful murder squad to go through another gut-wrenching file!! Oh, my job has its highlights! Another highlight this week being - gulp - monket check. Whilst the marathon bleed has abated, the constant pain in side goes on. Swabs, smears and exams, oh my. Let's hope it stops there and there aren't any nasty surprises awaiting me, I am so very done with doctors after infertility/IVF.

Friday, 21 March 2008

Uh oh....I am on!

How bizarre, I feel under the spotlight here. I am no blog virgin, but this feels so cold and sterile and empty at the moment!!

Ok, I am just going to pretend it isn't new, and I have lived here ages. No preamble, you'll just have to get to know us as I go along - introductions are so formal and uuuurgghhhhhh.

Today - weather pants to middling. DH entered conciousness in twat-mode so that didn't bode well for the day. Both girls still sporting their stylish sticky red-eyed look, and flailing like 53 slippery octopi when you try to pt the drops in. Yes - conjuntivitis, our first trip to this little resort and I will be quite happy if it is our last. Tonight I managed to lose Florence's little bottle of liquid pain between putting her and Alice to bed. It's hardly Buckingham Palace dimensions here, so I have no idea how it's managed to spirit itself away. I think Harry ate it out of spite.

Easter, if we had the time and children old enough to have an attention span of longer than 10 minutes we might well indulge in some easter religion or festivities. However, the weather bodes worse and worse, and all our plans for theme parks full of other desperate parents are flying across the garden, over the fence and away with the strong winds.

My marathon bleed continues. 23 days now. Delightful. I am sure it is working on stopping, it's barely there now, but has succeeded in getting me into the doctor's next week for a good grope etc (crook, hook and look as we used to say in weapons training in the air force ;-) ). Definition of Prolonged Vaginal Bleeding=long lasting excuse for bedroom shenanigans.

Rant of the day: Why can't you ever get a straight answer from internet medical searches? Contradictory, vague, fluffy....repetitive, word-for-word....don't call it a new bit of info - it isn't, it's the same as 10 other pages. Actually, these websites do a superb definition of a real doc. Thye just need to make themselves a little harder to get hold of, and only allow you on the site for 3 mins.