Monday, 24 March 2008


After having Florence (and Alice but it got way worse after Florence) I got so the merest sniffle would have me in a complete lather, petrified of something horrific going on - it wasn't just a sniffle, it was meningitis, and if I wasn't fast spotting it, we'd be too late and lose her. Or DH would take her out for a drive/shopping and be later than I expected - I would be convinced that the next thing would be a Police Car drawing up outside, coming to tell me they'd been killed in a car crash. Florence would sleep through and I would wake up, shoot out of bed and completely disturb her because the only reason I could think of for her not waking me was...

Well, I eventually went to the doctor with this. I felt it all stemmed from the infertility/early losses and especially the loss of Alice's twin at 8 weeks. It wasn't 'vanishing twin syndrome' - this was full on miscarrying the twin, and almost taking Alice with it. I bled A LOT on and off from our BFP, right through to 12w. Yes, lots of people bleed in pregnancy, but multiple scans actually showed us it happening - and we'd seen the h/b at 5w (amazingly).

The doctor diagnosed moderate Post-Natal depression. True, I was crying at everything, I certainly didn't feel like I could cope and was convinced something would happen to take my babies away. I refused all medication after a couple of abortive attempts with 2 different types, one where I didn't sleep for 3 days for terror way more magnified than before, and one where I felt scarily, violently angry. No, meds were not for me. Eventually time and life got me through it, and worrying thoughts of how to escape my fears subsided. This wasn't something I confided to anyone in its' entirety - I felt people would judge me, think I was an unfit mother and...of course...take my children away.

Where is this going?! I think I have discovered one of my weak points is where it's going. When all is going well in all my relationships etc etc I skip along as happy as Larry, and handle the normal ups and downs of children's health with a hop, skip and a jump and just wait it out/solve it. When some other area of my life (usually relationships) is on a low, my ability to handle my children's issues in a rational manner is GONE. Completely gone. Which is where I am now. I have had a 'fight' with a friend. Something that's blown up between us that really never should, there's faut on both sides, but ultimately we should solve it. She doesn't want to, or gives a good impression of that. No response to any overtures, she does have lots going on, but even a terse 'ok, we'll talk at some point' would give a glimmer that things wil get sorted. But nada, and guess where that leaves me? In the Panic Theme Park, barely sleeping. Of course, I am not conciously doing this - luckily, for my messed up little head the girls have got a combination of cold, conjuntivitis and now Florence has hat-tricked it with severe constipation and has spent most of the last 2 days straining and crying. Not their fault (or the friend's) but I am in hell. Not only coping with the relatively minor problems they're having but worse trying desperately to hang onto my sanity and not rush them to the hospital with only a vague idea of what I am scared of. I KNOW they're ok, and I KNOW their eyes are getting better, and I KNOW it's just a cold and I KNOW Florence will eventually poo, even if it is with the help of Mr Up-the-bum-you-go suppository. Try telling me this at any point where my brain has a chance to free-wheel.

So, what is this? is it truly 'depression' leading to anxiety, as the doc said? If so, he was right, and I should have solved it with pills because Florence is 2 now, and I am still falling back into this puddle at any sign of trouble. Is it anxiety? on its own? Admittedly, there is one unresolved 'thing' from way way back, which I am tentatively thinking about seeking counselling for - work bizarrely has helped it rear its ugly, hideous head again and in some work scenarios I need it to be out to function at my best. Or is it just....nothing, and that's just me. Learn to live with it, now I know, maybe I can handle it better?

Also, I can admit here to starting to be a bit anxious about this bleeding thing, obviously searching the internet and trying to self-diagnose isn't the best way, but I always look to find the 'innocent' causes of things (maybe in my current mindset that's been filtered out) and I am just not finding them. My Mum's attitude to this is also confusing me - I swear, even with the chemical pregnancies, she's always been a 'pull yourself together' kinda gal (not helpful when you're 8 and have undiagnosed labyrinthitis!) so when I mentioned the bleed she begged me to go to the doctors'. I said, Mother, we both know it's the rod. Still she urged, and actually put the phone down on me quite upset when 2w later I said the same thing. She asked last night what the next tests are after the basic ones on Friday. Does she know something I don't know? Why are we having a conversation that I swear never happened (ok - pre eclampsia it did) with any other health thing going on with me, including 2 breast lumps.

I need to look up something herbal to work on this overactive brain methinks. In the meantime, wish me luck with the bottom bombs, and Florrie's recalcitrant poo.