Friday, 28 March 2008

What I like about Pap smears....


ugh ugh ugh UGHHHHHHHHH. Bloody hell, only me, it could only happen to me. I get the doctor who skipped the 'female anatomy' bit of his medical books.

In comes the ubiquitous nurse 'do you know what the doctor's going to do, dear?....blah blah cervix...legs.....blah blah.....poke really hard with a big stick....' I (through gritted teeth) told the nurse I was fine without the science, and yes, thanks for the compliment, I have had one or two of these procedures as I am now 40. Oh and I did IVF 'Oooooooh, fancy - you will be used to all this then, no problem'. Yes, I actually looked forward to this particular part of IVF avidly 'oh goodie, goodie - embryo transfer - I get to make a y-shape and have sharp implements introduced into places I had never considered (i.e anywhere but a nice medium steak or cutting the tags off some lovely new clothes).

So out comes the car jack, I mean speculum. Do they really need to be that big??? Can't they just peer a bit more carefully with the aid of something smaller. 'Stand back, I am going in' says the doc. No, not really. But....and...he doesn't go in the right direction...he'sgoing horizontal not downwards and backwards. Unsurprisingly he meets resistance, actually I am surprised he wasn't flung across the room. 3 times and I am beginning to weary of it. I suggest an alteration of angle and waaaaayyyyyhaaaay there we go. Good job. And then what does he do??? Frigging wanders off because he's picked the wrong pokey sticks. Nursey goes with to help out 'oooh, this one looks nice - forked'. And there I lay, like something Damian Hirst might come up with, with Robocop's left hand artistically positioned. UGHHHHHHHHHH.

So glad that's over. A good day at the office/on roads around Bedfordshire in the rain. I borrowed DH's Satnav to see if it helped me travel more efficiently, but didn't like its suggestion of the route back so ignored it, and I swear it WAS getting pissed off with me disregarding its advice. TURN RIGHT....AT THE NEXT JUNTION TURN RIGHT.....OH SOD YOU THEN, GO WHERE YOU BLOODY WANT TO. I acted really mature and answered 'Tim, the M1 is pants on a friday mate...don't get stroppy, oh WHATEVER, you talk to yourself. It probably would have made more sense to actually turn it off.

Sian, if you come on here, please PLEASE don't share the site with DH....or any other coppers. I don't think any of my PIP meetings would ever be quite the same if whoever it were with had read the above ;-). Also, I am not sure my own little copper would be overjoyed me sharing that description with ALL of our colleagues.


Anonymous said...

LMAO did you really say car jack :)) dying here.. SO FUNNY! I feel the exact same way.

Lindsey said...

Love you Bunn, I'll respond to your other blogs later when I'm not knee deep in laundry and dishes-but I wanted you to know I will read your blog much much more now! wooo hoo xoxo

KeepinUnity said...

hugs to the bunny,lets hope u get to the bottm of the prob now xoxoxo