Wednesday, 26 March 2008

A bit of blah

What a 'nothing' day. Haven't been feeling terribly well, some man-flu type cold has set up house in my throat and today only really happened with the guest appearance of Day Nurse.

Some minor work successes, and giving that I felt poo and caught myself staring at the computer blankly on several occasions, is good news. I was actually meant to be teaching today, but between them, the grand total of 3 detectives booked onto it didn't deign to show up. One emailed me late yesterday asking if the course was on. Er, yes, have you heard something I haven't?! why would you think it hasn't been cancelled if you haven't heard anything?! I didn't get the email until I got in this morning, and by that time he felt going and making some arrests was more important than me training him. The public would possibly agree with him, but the longer view being - I need to train him to train his baby detectives, so perhaps him attending this training would be better for you and I and our lives/well-being in the long term.

So, with no class to teach I was able to miserable myself out in my office. There's barely anyone in the training wing this week - school Easter Holidays so just about everyone is off.

I am getting used to this 'no audience' (or barely any audience, or no audience that wants to comment) thing. I guess no honest comments is better than 20 for the sake of it. To be honest I always had the feeling on Yahoo that as long I was the funny, performing monkey, coming up with entertainment and self-depreciation I was Mrs Popular, the minute I said anything of meaning (unless heaven forbid, it led to a bitch session!) not many people were interested. I advertised my departure and a pitiful number of 'friends' voiced their wish to follow me through cyberspace, and of them I haven't seen a great deal! The posts and replies continue on Yahoo so in this case I guess I DO need to take it personally, and move on.

For a long time on Yahoo I have felt 'left out'. Either by 'gangs' in chat (that was the start of the rot) or by sheer time-difference - I am just not on when other people are (although bizarrely that didn't used to be the case - that probably says more about me than them). And one other area was that some people made me feel inadequete as a mother - not, I am completely sure, by design (I would certainly hope not in some cases) but it just was. Through getting to know more mummies over here I have realised that some things are just cultural, and there's absolutely no mileage in feeling guilty because you didn't snatch the bottle away the nanosecond a baby turns one.

I have to look to myself for a lot of it. If something happens repeatedly, and you are the only common denomonator, then chances are it's you, not them. I was at the stage of 'chatting' to only 3-4 people on a regular basis, and a lot of times it would be me initiating conversations. Most of that 4 are hardly on now, they have stuff going on I know, but I am also intelligent enough to see other activity on Yahoo to know....well. I bring it on myself. Someone called me, or at least 'inferred me' a wise owl. I think I am too wise for my own damned good. I did have a huge run-in with my mother 2-3 years ago, and one of the things that came out of an 'open and honest' discussion was my propensity to 'lecture'. I thought I was getting a good handle on it, in fact, as far as 'real life' goes I know I have. Obviously I need to work on that 'virtually' too. I guess not actually being face-to-face with people, and the chance of ever being so, so remote as to not even be an issues, is rather liberating. And all your old 'bad habits' come out. I know, to my shame I have been really rough on some people in there - belittling people by showing off superior knowledge is not a sign of intelligence, it's exactly the same as someone who brags because they feel inferior. A little bit of kindness goes a long way, and people don't need the whole, brutal truth. Just because Bunny thinks she's right, doesn't mean she is.

Well, I know for certain I have lost one friend through this recently, and tbh probably 2, only the other one is such a gentle, giving soul she won't come out and say it, I think a quiet and slow detachment is what'll happen there. The other has cut me off dead, which is quite shocking, when you don't perceive your own actions to even be wrong in the first instance, and even after some reflection don't feel they warrant the same reaction as a complete 'wronging' This just goes to show, that what I see as 'wrong' bears no resemblance to what other people do, and 'honesty and integrity' (in commas because it doesn't necessariliy mean it IS - just my perception and personal value, which may be completely skewed) can cost dearly.

I'm sad. That's the truth. I hope this is the revelation I need. Obviously family can't just cut you off dead for being 'you'. But friends, however long-suffering, will eventually get sick of it and just quietly, or suddenly, bow out.

I hate unresolved things. I hate leaving arguments up in the air. I find it difficult to appreciate other people's need to cool down, and push and push and push until they think 'sod this, enough already, leave me ALONE'. I feel a little like a lovesick teenager - leaving offlines, messages, effort I should have put in a lot earlier - am I that selfish? and no response. Nothing, nada, zero. Yahoo chat gives you the option of appearing offline to specific people, and having used it in the past, and having not given it a second thought as to how that person would feel, me just not appearing forever....well, I know how it feels now. Vile.

Move on, Nic, move on and learn by it. Hopefully.


KeepinUnity said...

hey bunny sends u a huggleybug! i can really realte to an awfull lot of todays blog!!!quite scareyily so!keep xox