Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Toddler food rules

1. If you haven't eaten it before, don't try it.

2. Unless it's on Mum or Dad's plate, then eat all of it.

3. If they try to move some of the food on their plate onto yours, halt this action immediately by means of screaming hysterically like a crowd of wolverines is attacking you.

4. If you're not too sure if you've tried it before, best to stay on the safe side and follow above rules 1-3.

5. 'I'm full' actually means 'I am full of this vile main course you're attempting to poison me with, please commence with pudding'

6. Always ensure you gulp as much juice/water as is physically possible before eating.

7. When Mummy appears particularly harried, hot and bothered, adopt your best whiny voice and ask for sweets/crisps/chocolate/biscuits in an increasingly threatening manner.

8. If you have a sibling, do your best to eat in the most ridiculous, mess-making manner to get them laughing, and copying. Hopefully in an even more outrageous way than you.

9. Then copy that.

10. Between mouthfuls (if you have caved that far) run around as much of the house/garden as you can.

11. When not running go to the loo, put on Mummy's clippy shoes or muddy wellingtons and 'made for walking' is your watchword.

12. Beware of the GOOD cake. There are occasions you will be palmed off with smiley biscuits or jelly or muffins. Mummy and Daddy may just have gourmet range (or even home-made - gasp) mouthwatering delights. Hold out for these.

13. If holding out doesn't work, go back to rule 3.

14. Parents may erroneously attempt to bribe you into eating. There is intensive research being undertaken, but it is highly likely that Santa DOESN'T see everything, and what goes past your lips doesn't interest him one whit.

15. Growing big and strong is down to genes. More research is taking place, initial results of which point to sweets and crisps being highly beneficial to bigness and strongness.

16. If the pressure's really on, and some of the threats/bribes seem genuine, make puking faces. These of course disappear the moment the pressure is lifted and you can move onto the sweets/crisps/chocolate litany.

17. Try not to fall for the 'disinterested act'. Look closely and you'll see they ARE bothered, just keep it going.

18. Check what has been cooked for dinner and ask for the polar opposite. Keep Mummy off-balance and you'll always have the upper hand.

19. Run upstairs and slam your door at the mention of dinner. Just because, really.

20. It sounds a cliche, but mindless screaming really is SO effective.


Anonymous said...

Oh so true! You forgot to mention the throw the food to the floor as that MUST be the garbage can.

Danifred said...

Here's another one from my house: Ask for more of something that you have FINALLY decided to eat and then scream when it is given to you (as if you never asked for it to begin with.)

Nic said...

Oh, I DID forget those. Also, that one 'you may have eaten it 43,000 times before, it may be your favourite - refuse it, just for fun.
Delightful :-)