Friday, 22 August 2008

Spiders

I was mocked today. Mocked to within an inch of my life.

I hate hate hate hate hate detest really don't like spiders. They appall me. My shoulders are shivering even typing about the beasts.

So, at coffee this afternoon, at work, the conversation moved to spiders (no, I have no idea how, especially bearing in mind the previous topics - paedophiles, easy-on-the-eye police officers...and...I forget) I voiced my opinion of them and shared a couple of facts (having conkers around the edges of the room is meant to deter them).

The next fact not only horrifies me but bloody annoys me. The UK house spider (all 6 of its varieties - not bird eating spider size, granted but enough to make my insides recoil when one skitters across the floor....or worse...sits looking at you, and you catch it out of the corner of your eye) - come into the house to DO IT. I wont use any other word to describe it as having way too much knowledge of what certain groups of people do to search on google I dont want one of those words and toddlers in the same blog.

Yes, they come in for THAT. The CHEEK of it. Not only are they utterly unwanted (oh go on, give me all the baloney of how they eat flies etc - if they were so bloody useful, come in during the summer when we might have the odd fly, not sodding autumn when it's getting colder and not a fly to be flown) but they have the NECK to frolic in my home (do spiders have necks? not for long in my house, I assure you. Or thoraxes. or legs that work). I don't wish to watch anyone up to shenanigans, least of all revolting spiders.

So - to all of you hideous spiders lurking wherever - Bugger off to Spider Speed Dating, Spider Romance Night.

It ain't happening in my house. And to those of you who mocked (you know who you are) just think of what they're doing the next time one sashays across YOUR lounge, waving its spider g-string.

The prosecution rests, Milord.

13 comments:

alicia said...

ha ha!! what a funny post, about spiders too!! sorry they keep twitterpating in your house!

here from ICLW

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

That was really funny! :)

Thanks so much for your beautiful comment on my blog. I always feel a little insecure putting something that vulnerable out there...so thanks. :)

Tyler said...

I could not possibly agree more! Spiders are scary!!!!

Ronda's Rants said...

I h a t e spiders!!!! See we have that in common too! I am your much older separated at birth twin on the American side!

theycallmebobby said...

Oh My God, I'm laughing so hard. Love this post. For some reason it made me think of when I would get home from dates, clubs, etc when I was in high school. My parents raised us in the country - I mean, out in the sticks. So, just the walk from the car to the house after dark was bound to cause the wild life beneath your feet to stir. So, every night, I would get out of my car and start clapping loudly "towards" the ground making loud "Hey!" sounds in percussion with my claps. It was my futile method of scaring any snakes, frogs, spiders, bats, or other scary varmint away before I got to it. Does clapping work at breaking up the 16 legged orgy?

Jaymee said...

spiders in g-strings. i am rolling on the floor. thanks for the laugh.

(ILCW)

KeepinUnity said...

i used to b scared of spiders till doug made me feel so guilty about killing tham and same with snails lol i still dont like spiders but i dont kill them now i can put them in cups with a magazine and chuck them in the garden lol n then i get a massive sweat on and have the shivery feelin afterwards lol

vanessajhollis said...

I know you're a secret "spider porn" watcher! You must be, as you have too much detailed knowledge.

I did laugh at your blog but probably not as much as I laughed over coffee.

Funny lady! Big x

Just Me. said...

I H.A.T.E spiders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When we first moved to Australia, I was told about hunting spiders and I went, WTF is that? And I googled it and I totally freaked out!!!!!!!

Spiders are creepy, just like rats and cockroaches!!!

Ok, my hair's standing at all places now! YIKES!

ARGHS!

Nic said...

Yeah....still keeping eyes peeled.

DON'T TRUST 'EM.

Oh, and Just Me - Huntsman Spiders....ok shivering again. I have seen them on a TV program here.

Vile. Utterly vile. Australia is quite bad for the whole spider deal, isn't it?

tobacco brunette said...

Thanks for the ICLW visit...

You're hilarious and I so agree with you on the spiders. My husband's the same way. We do NOT tolerate them.

Although picturing them in g-strings makes them feel slightly less threatening.

theclam said...

Hahaha, I never knew that spiders came into the house to "do it"... Hmmm maybe it is just the UK ones that do that? The SA ones just come in and say "Howzit my china"... :)

RhondaLue said...

WHy those filthy little vermin! I had no idea they were up to no good when they snuck in my house. I've lost all respect forthem now. Miserable little creatures!

Thanks for filling me in on the perverted ways of the spiders. I can no longer claim ignorance. :)
ps. found you from blogstalker and I guess I must confess that now I'm one too! Great blog!