Friday, 8 August 2008

DIY and career changes

DH had an idea. DH decided the door colour on our house (new build a year ago) wasn't to our liking (agreed) and it needed changing NOW. DH went and chose paint - a sedate navy blue.

And then it all went horrifically wrong. Why oh why oh why oh WHY didn't I remember. Remember the bouncy laminate floor. Rememeber the falling blinds. Remember the 'blackout' blinds that were more like 'blind spot' blinds as he cut them too small. Remember the wobbly brush painting I made good in the lounge.

It is horrendous. Started bad, next coat went spiralling downhill. Bumpy, loads of drips. A 5 year old with some random ideas of painting would have probably achieved a similar effect. I am not even at angry, it is so beyond belief my brain is still in denial and hasn't caught up. There's a crazy screaming 'MY FRONT DOOR' rant caged somewhere distantly in my head but so far the sheer absurdity of it is preventing this coming out.

Sharing this with some colleagues today caused much hilarity (yeah, not your bloody front door is it, ho ho ho) and of course there's always one with PERFECT HUSBAND (yes, you Sian, I know you're reading this!) and she related what her DH had managed the day previous with 3 kids in tow. Then she went onto mention how he has said he'd be quite happy to stay home with the kids permanantly if she could earn them £50K...

It got us all thinking. Our solution is:

Form a dominatrix team. No vile messy stuff, just basic getting housework done and yelling out any frustrations/PMT. Lots of volunteers immediately, one a male (?!).

We think we have it all covered (I will only put their working names to protect them):

Some Slut (her words not ours) - she will be in the black shiny stuff and pointy boots. Oddly enough, this wont require any company outlay as she already has the costume.

Bunty - will be in an upper class riding get-up, with riding crop (also has the kit)

Strict Schoolteacher (with a very strong Geordie accent) - not sure her current uniform goes for that one, and can see why she'd probably not wear it)

Rachel - the male. Costumes weren't mentioned as we didn't really expect his eager interest, and never got past our mouths dropping open.

Gretel - business manager. Spookily had an immediate and very fast reply to our idle wonderings at what to charge 'Definitely no less than £120 per hour'. Is blonde, delicious german accent and also possesses leiderhosen. It's always the quiet ones,

Me - I suggested my old Air Force dress uniform. People got a bit confused with my connection with Russian and decided I would presumably be dressed as Stalin. Ican see the discipline angle, but not sure I need a Trans-Siberian railway through the garden.

I just want my front door done nicely.

5 comments:

Ronda's Rants said...

Oh my god...how funny! Hey, pay our way and we will fix your front door! Sometimes really it's just better to hire someone...we are in construction and my front bathroom toilet has been stopped for one week! (yes, I am telling the world Bob...a WEEK) He has promised to fix it this weekend or I am hiring a plumber!

Just Me. said...

Hilarious. Hope you get your front door fixed in no time!

KeepinUnity said...

lol,I had a new bathroom dorr fitted in feb,.....still isnt painted......so.....anyway it adds charater to those new housesx

RM said...

You crack me up!!

My DH is a whiz at all kinds of household repairs, but he has a million other faults I shouldn't even get in to!

Funny how they're all defective in some way?? :)

Keri said...

I love the idea of a dominatrix squad. That'd make a great TV show, too.