Thursday, 24 April 2008

All about Alice

We first saw Alice when she was tiny. Microscopic. 4 cells big. Alice was the happy result of our 2nd IVF, after 5 chemical pregnancies and 3.5 years of tears, frustration and angst.

I joined Weightwatchers 5 days past transfer, I was so lacking in hope and knew we'd decided this was the end of the line for us. 2 days in I was eating like a horse and my 20 'points' didn't seem to be enough to keep a mouse alive. 8 days past transfer I decided to test, wanting to get into the right frame of mind by accepting negatives. There was the faintest line. The next day it was a little darker, the next darker still. I held this little secret inside me, along with this invisible-to-the-naked eye little person. I couldn't let myself think about it. I couldn't think of anything else. I also started to get the symptoms of OHSS, which I knew were a good sign in the second week of the 2ww. I finally 'treated' myself to a first response. Bright, lovely, lovely, gleaming pink lines. 2 of them. That night I told DH, with no fanfare or tricks. We'd been here before, and out the hideous dark other side all too often. We got the official postive from our clinic at 17 days post transfer. High, high, rampaging hcg numbers. The day after I started bleeding. An NHS emergency doc asked me exactly how IVF worked and I knew I was onto a loser. The CARE scan saw twins. The bleeding continued, got worse, and finally at 8w we lost the twin.

But...not my Alice! Alice was a tiny scrap at birth - 4lb 11oz, pre eclampsia had cheated her of yummy in-mummy dinners, so she set to, gobbling all hours of the day and night. Ignoring the boob, far more interesting to suck her own tongue so we had to go onto bottle, no fall-back fat to mess around with establishing and teaching her breastfeeding.

Alice is a gorgeous, bright, hysterically funny little girl. Every day she astounds me with her imagination. Alice charms everyone she meets, she's such a chatty, friendly and loving little girl. Alice has beautiful, unusual eyes - cornflower blue with icey green in the centre. Alice is very slight, but now (Thank God!) eats us out of house and home. Alice loves doing puzzles, and playing house. Her games are very convoluted these days and I can sit and listen forever to 'here comes the postman, he's bringing letters for Snow White and then she'll make dinner for the ducks'. Alice loves riding her bike, and pedals around..and around...and around forever. She loves pre-school and comes home full of stories of what went on, and especially funny, who got told off for being naughty (never includes herself in these stories so I presume her behaviour is exemplary ;-) ) Alice is very, very cuddly, and my favourite time with her is when she climbs into bed with me in the morning at weekends, just before Florence wakes up. Adorable (bony!) little warm body curled into mine, us stroking one another's cheeks and murmering silliness to each other. Alice has a huge sense of humour and finds so many things funny, and is already coming out with hilarious one-liners. I sometimes find it hard to tell her off with her cheeky grin and silly sayings - she knows exactly how to make me explode into giggles.

I love you Alice, thank you for coming to us. You were most definitely worth all that went before and I feel so lucky to have you. When I kiss you goodnight I still have that flicker at seeing the first positive and my heart swells with love knowing that was you, the beautiful, beautiful little girl you are.


KeepinUnity said...

awwww your so luckey hugs hope u r well x

Lindsey said...

That was so beautiful Nic. Love you guys!

Anonymous said...

Sooo sweet! What a long journey to perfection.